Document Security

It is unwise to leave important documents in the vicinity of a cat.

Advice To Neighbours' Cats

We are not a cat cafe!

Sod's Law - Trips To The Vet

It is the law of sod, that when you need a taxi to take the cat to the vet its takes farking 30 minutes to arrive!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat - Flageolet Beans

Flageolet beans do not normally form part of a cat's diet!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat - Cat Dribble

Please don't dribble into my ear when I am sleeping.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat - Staring

Staring at my intently from the windowsill, in the early hours, won't get me out of bed any faster in the mornings to feed you.

Cat Alarm Clocks

Cats are very reliable alarm clocks.

Unfortunately they are programmed to wake you at 5am.

Onoging Advice To My Cat - Claw Shedding

When you shed your claws on the floor/carpet, please could you pick them up and dispose of them properly.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat - Dining Etiquette

There is no need to drag your food from your plate onto the floor when you are eating. The clean plate that we provide you with is there to be used for eating from.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat - The Morning Parade

The morning cat parade and circus on our bed is all very entertaining and "spectacular". However, please could you reschedule it from 4am to something a little closer to 7am?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat - Cat Farts

It is rude, and not ladylike, to fart in my face at 4am when I am in bed trying to sleep.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you feel you are about to throw up, please vacate the duvet on our bed (especially when we are still sleeping underneath it).

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

You will get piles if you keep pressing your bottom against the radiator.

Cat Scream

Kudos To My Cat

Kudos to my cat for vomiting her food back into her bowl, thus ensuring that there was no mess on the floor and enabling her to eat it later.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat and Her Friends

I am trying to work, please could you conduct your shenanigans outside of the house!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you throw up in the kitchen during the night, please could you place a warning sign near the puke so that we don't step on it in the morning.

Advice To Neighbourhood Cats

We are no longer offering free food and accommodation.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When after Dreamies may I suggest that you ask a human to serve you, rather than trying to nick them in the middle of the night and knocking over the knife block (causing it to smash your bowl) in the process?

Question For My Cat

You are happy enough to use your cat flap to come in, but won't use it to go out why?

Advice To Neighbourhood Cats

We are not a cat restaurant/hotel!

Ongoing Advice To Our Cat and Visiting Cats

Please conduct your cat races up and down our wooden stairways during the daytime, not in the middle of the night!